Saturday Night Tears
I don’t cry very often. That may be a very un-girly comment to declare, however it is true. I was once half of a very unsafe, unhealthy, have no respect for yourself relationship. I used up all of my tears throughout those loooong five, yes five, years. Since I have gained strength and moved forward I appear to be unable to cry. It is actually embarrassing. When I have had to say good bye to friends who live thousands of miles away, not a sniffle. When someone has passed away, no need for a tissue. This has bothered me because I seemed almost emotionless. Strange to me also is the fact I couldn’t cry but that I got choked up very easily. Commercials, reality TV, bring on the sting in the eyes, burn in the throat. But my life, no tears, of happiness or sadness.
Well, I am happy to say I seem to be turning the corner. The corner of no tears and yes she is a human who shows emotions. Back in December I shed a few crocodiles when my brother announced he was engaged. When my niece was born in April, a few more went for a ride down the slopes. But my real advancement into displays of emotion began last week. An intimate argument revealed, yes, I am capable of those big gulping sobs that shake your body and leave you feeling exhausted and depleted. And now the floodgates appear to have been opened and they are allowing the rapid release of years of tears.
Yesterday, as I began a new novel, I came across this lovely passage:
“There is a hidden presence of others in us, even those we have known briefly. We contain them for the rest of our lives, at every border we cross” (Michael Ondaatje. Divisadero. 2007. p. 16).
Well, bring on the sobs. I have been struggling lately with regrets. I know the sayings about not having regrets…blah blah blah and I DO always try to believe that everything happens for a reason. In my life though I do have one large regret. One event that I feel didn’t happen for a reason. Rather it happened because I was young, selfish, insecure and simply made poor poor choices. I am not exactly sure why I have been thinking of this lately, but it continues to linger in my consciousness. I think it may be because I feel as if my life is in limbo right now, and I am what if-ing that past situation to death. The what-if game is something I try not to do, but this situation seems to have an abundance of what-if possibilities that all seem a bit brighter than my current limbo. So what does this have to do with this beautiful quote?! I’m not totally sure. It just ressonates so deeply in me. This person I hurt, this kind, sincere, smart, caring person is still a part of me. He still colors my memories and makes me smile. I think the tears came because I am scared that the same is not true for him.
So, where does that leave me?
Only 17 pages into Divisadero.
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