“There is something beautiful…

…about finding one’s innermost thoughts in another” (Olive Schreiner).

I love books for a variety of reasons. I have written of this previously. As I look back at my pitiable attempt at being a blog author, I realize that books seem to be my one, sad, lonely topic. It is not that I do not have comments, observations, feelings about other topics.  I actually have a lot of things to say about a lot of things. Those close to me would lament my inability to stop talking. (Note: I also interrupt, but this is something I am aware of and devoted to correcting).However, I still find blogging too…too…I am not sure what…personal maybe. My last entry was difficult for me. So back to the books it is.

Lately it seems that more than the setting, the characters, or the theme, individual sentences are what have enthralled me as I find my way through the pages of a new book.

There are sentences, beautiful mesmerizing arrangements of words, that seem to be written straight from my life. These lines capture my attention for various reasons. One reason is that when I am in emotional, personal, path choosing situations I am often unable to delineate, narrate, relate  my true thoughts and emotions. Anger, joy, hurt, enthusiasm, insecurities, love, disdain all murk my stream of words. Miscommunication occurs, enthusiasm  can be frowned upon, feelings may be hurt, love blinded, words twisted and distorted, too much weight given to an innocent, offhand comment. Authors  give, through their resplendently penned words, clarity to my voice. They say what I meant to say.

Saying what I meant to say leads to the other reason I value these lines. As my opening quote suggests, these lines speak to the interconnectedness of humans. Someone I have never met, who is older, who is younger, who is deceased, who is of the opposite gender, who has lived in a different country, who has lived a very, very different life than I, can experience the same thoughts, emotions, frustrations, disappointments, successes and happiness as I.  In recent years I became interested in the interconnectedness of humans and began to look for it in my interactions, in my learning, in my travel, and in my relationships. I know that if I attempt to explain this concept and how it affects me, I will not be able to accurately illuminate what I think, how I feel. This also fuels my hesitation with blogging about myself. But I digress.

* I drafted this entry awhile ago but then it seemed so daunting to write about how I felt about each passage, line or expression. I have so many because I am addicted to writing things down. I am constantly writing down quotes, words, definitions, titles of books I want to read, songs I want to listen to, etc. When I read a book, I write down the page number of passages that I want to go back and reflect on, share with others, investigate more deeply. I have a million scraps of paper to sort through. I initially thought I could share all of these passages in one entry. After my last entry I decided to do individual entries as I come across lines that I would like to share or comment on.

So stay tuned for the lines I love, the lines that awaken memories and emotions, and speak to my experiences.

Saturday Night Tears

I don’t cry very often. They may be a very un-girly comment to declare, however it is true.  I was once half of  a very unsafe, unhealthy, have no respect for yourself relationship. I used up all of my tears throughout those loooong five, yes five, years. Since I have gained strength and moved forward I appear to be unable to cry. It is actually embarrassing. When I have had to say good bye to friends who live thousands of miles away, not a sniffle.  When someone has passed away, no need for a tissue.  This has bothered me because I seemed almost emotionless. Strange to me also is the fact I couldn’t cry but that I got choked up very easily. Commercials, reality TV, bring on the sting in the eyes, burn in the throat. But my life, no tears, of happiness or sadness.

Well, I am happy to say I seem to be turning the corner. The corner of no tears and yes she is a human who shows emotions. Back in December I shed a few crocodiles when my brother announced he was engaged. When my niece was born in April, a few more went for a ride down the slopes. But my real advancement into displays of emotion began last week. An intimate argument revealed, yes, I am capable of those big gulping sobs that shake your body and leave you feeling exhausted and depleted. And now the floodgates appear to have been opened and they are allowing the rapid release of years of tears.

Yesterday, as I began a new novel, I came across this lovely passage:

“There is a hidden presence of others in us, even those we have known briefly. We contain them for the rest of our lives, at every border we cross” (Michael Ondaatje. Divisadero. 2007. p. 16).

Well, bring on the sobs. I have been struggling lately with regrets. I know they sayings about not having regrets…blah blah blah and I DO always try to believe that everything happens for a reason. In my life though I do have one large regret. One event that I feel didn’t happen for a reason. Rather it happened because I was young, selfish, insecure and simply made poor poor choices. I am not exactly sure why I have been thinking of this lately, but it continues to linger in my consciousness. I think it may be because I feel as if my life is in limbo right now, and I am what if-ing that past situation to death. The what-if game is something I try not to do, but this situation seems to have an abundance of what-if possibilities that all seem a bit brighter than my current limbo. So what does this have to do with this beautiful quote?! I’m not totally sure. It just ressonates so deeply in me. This person I hurt, this kind, sincere, smart, caring person is still a part of me. He still colors my memories and makes me smile. I think the tears came because I am scared that the same is not true for him.

So, where does that leave me?

Only 17 pages into Divisadero.

What I Wish I Knew 10 Years Ago.

“The first betrayal is irreparable” (Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, p. 92, 1984).

This advice could have saved me years of heartache.

“I never could make out what those damn dots meant”

Randolph Churchhill spoke (maybe wrote, I don’t actually know) these words. I also have no idea to what he was referring. But I do know, I don’t agree. I know exactly what those damn dots mean. They mean that I have had visitors as follows:

Canada (CA)	307
United States (US)	76
Korea, Republic of (KR)	65
United Kingdom (GB)	36
Australia (AU)	10
Germany (DE)	7
Japan (JP)	6
India (IN)	3
Hungary (HU)	2
Poland (PL)	2
New Zealand (NZ)	2
Philippines (PH)	2
Brazil (BR)	2
Ireland (IE)	2
Sweden (SE)	1
Russian Federation (RU)	1
Italy (IT)	1
Turkey (TR)	1
Singapore (SG)	1
Nigeria (NG)

I received a notification that the little map thingy that tracks my visitors is going to be archived and that my map will be….gasp….BLANK! I don’t think that this is an accurate tool but I always like to look at those dots. I feel as if someone actually reads my blathering thoughts. Now how will I feel validated?

The anti-climacticness of being a university graduate…again.

Anti-climacticness. I have been intimate with this emotion.  When it hits, it hits hard. Actually, it is less of a hit, and more of a succession of waves that wash over you in the weeks immediately following some longed for, supposedly life altering event. There is a great anticipation, a particular tickle of excitement, with certain events. It is a feeling of life having grand, fantastic, unimaginable things in store for you. The feeling that at any moment something colossal, immense will occur. But the days go by. Life goes on, relatively unchanged. To ride the waves of this extreme anti-climacticness I try to remember that every moment is a moment of new beginnings. And new beginnings are just as wonderful as a longed for, supposedly life altering event. It works….sometimes.

I made a Wordle for this post. Here is the link.

http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/582837/Anticlimactic

That’s a seven, not an eight.

When I was seventeen I may or may not have had fake id. Until I was nineteen (legal age in my province of residence), whenever I was in a situation in which there was a possibility of being asked to present id, which may or may not have been fake, I was terrified. When I was about twenty four I began to do the eye rolling, huffing, indignant thing that people who are of a legal age do when they are asked to present id for an activity which they are clearly old enough to engage in. Now, at the oh-so-young age of twenty nine, blushing in a flattered sort of way is my response to being asked to prove my age. On December 18 I was in the liquor store and was asked for id. The conversation proceeded as follows:

Middle-ish Aged Cashier Lady: Oh, just turned nineteen ey. Making good use of the id already.

(My birthday is December 12)

Me: Umm, no that says 79, not 89. But thanks.

Middle-ish Aged Cashier Lady: Oh my, you look so young.

Me: Thanks.

Now that I reflect on this encounter, I wonder if I really look ten years younger than I am.

More likely…..she just needs bifocals.

The Most Satisfying 2 Minutes of the Day

Today a stranger gave me a hi-five. It made my day.

It all began so innocently. I was in the dairy aisle at the grocery store. I needed to get some milk. Since it was 10:30 pm the selection was picked over. I desired to purchase a two litre carton, but the store’s stock was completely depleted. Unless I wanted whole goat milk. Which I didn’t. I noticed that they had a lot of four liter jugs so I decided to go for one of those instead. As I picked it up I noticed that the best before date was August 24, only a few days away. I don’t even really like milk so I knew that there was no way I would finish it before it expired. I looked behind the first row and noticed that there were other jugs with a best before date of September 8. Much better. So I grabbed one. Just as I began to walk away I noticed a middle age, gruff looking, biker-ish man make a milk selection from the first row.

Me: “Excuse me sir, that milk expires in just two days. There are fresher ones in the second row.”

Man: Glances at best before date. “You are right, thanks so much.”

Me: “No problem.”

Man: Holding up his hand for a hi-five. “Really, thanks so much. That was really kind of you to point that out to me. Thanks again, I appreciate it!”

Me: Hi-fiving him. “You’re welcome.”

Man: “Have a good night.”

Me: “Thanks, you too.”

A simple two minute exchange, which included me helping a man and him making my day by offering an unsolicited hi-five. Did I mention that I love hi-fives?

The Queen City 08/08

 

Summer Sunset

Legislative Assembly of Saskatchwan

Stormy Sunday Night

A Cycling We Will Go

Serenity on a Friday Morning

Adapt, Include, Don’t Oppress

In my opinion, The Faculty of Education (specifically the Business Education Department) at the University of Regina does a wonderful job of preparing its students for the very complex job of being an educator. Within the Business Education Department (many thanks to Dr. C. Kesten, Helen, and Tracy) students become very familiar with areas of the Saskatchewan Curriculum that are both general to education and specific to Business Education.

One aspect of education that is emphasized, discussed, reflected on, and the topic of many written reports is the concept of The Adaptive Dimension  (a core component of Saskatchewan Curriculum) /inclusive education/anti-oppressive education. It is expected that The Adaptive Dimension/inclusive/anti-oppressive education will be given its proper consideration within each lesson plan, instructional strategy and classroom. From what I understand (and I would enjoy some more conversation on this) is that The Adaptive Dimension focuses on instructional strategies, altering curriculum, and adjusting teaching styles. Inclusive and anti-oppressive education also support these goals  but go further and propose changes to the culture of schools. While the terms vary in their meaning, I found that they are often overlapping and at times the terms were interchanged by professors and seminar instructors.

Saskatchewan Curriculum delienates the conceptual framework for The Adaptive Dimension as:

The Adaptive Dimension has been defined as the concept of making adjustments in approved educational programs to accommodate diversity in student learning. Rather than being viewed as an “add-on”, the Adaptive Dimension must be viewed as an essential ingredient that permeates curriculum and instruction in all regular, modified, and alternative education programs in Saskatchewan schools.

The Adaptive Dimension is not necessarily synonymous with individualized instruction but is synonymous with meeting individual student needs and maximizing student learning. In some instances a student’s needs may best be met through individualized instruction where the teacher works one-to-one with the student; however, in other situations, some form of group instruction may be more appropriate for the student.

The Adaptive Dimension addresses the needs of a wide variety of students. Because each teacher, each learner, and the dynamics of each classroom are unique, the adaptations required may vary from student to student. For example, adaptations may be in the form of a modification of content to compensate for an informational deficit or may be in the form of an individual or small group enrichment activity to nurture demonstrated knowledge and interest in a particular topic.

A particular student may be able to achieve some curricular objectives through general instructional approaches, while requiring adaptation to curriculum content, instructional practices, and/or the learning environment to reach other objectives. Another student may require some form of adaptation in order to achieve curricular objectives in all content areas. Furthermore, the length of time that an individual student may require curricular, instructional, and/or environmental adaptations to learn efficiently may vary from a few lessons to being an integral part of an entire educational program.

The use of the Adaptive Dimension in Core Curriculum is guided by a set of general principles. (Click here to see the principles)  Retrieved from the World Wide Web:Saskatchewan Education.The Adaptive Dimension: In Core CurriculumRegina, SK:Saskatchewan Education.

As I mentioned, I feel that the Faculty of Education does a more than sufficent job of teaching future educators about these educational concepts. What the faculty can not do is tell teachers how to use these concepts in their classrooms. The differences among learners, classrooms, schools, school boards and administrators will all help teachers determine how best to do this.

One failing that I think the Faculty of Education has in terms of these concepts is that they do little to help teachers recognize that these concepts must be given consideration not only in regards to learners, instructional strategies and curriculum, but also in regards to resources such as guest speakers, movies and most importantly textbooks. Being a Social Studies minor, I did gain some exposure to the failing of some resources to properly reflect society or the history of certain groups such as women and other minorities. For teachers to be able to truely achieve success with The Adaptive Dimension/inclusive education/ anti-oppressive education they need to be aware of how chosen resources can actually work against these policies. I was recently reading through the Psychology 30 curriculum guide. Similar to other Social Studies curriculums there is a section that discusses Aboriginal, multicultural and persons with disabilities perspectives. One comment gave me pause and reminded me just how much thought and consideration must go into every minute of teaching.

Often, in fiction, a character with a disability is used as a vehicle for the growth of another character who is “normal”.  The “normal” character gains sensitivity or awareness as a result of his or her relationship with the character with a disability.  The character with a disability does not grow or change.  This treatment is troubling because the character with a disability is relegated to a passive role; the character is not treated as an unique, whole individual (Saskatchewan Education).

NOTE: Below are two papers that focus on Inclusive Education and Anti-Oppressive Education. Both were written within the past two years, however some of my views may have changed since the time they were written.

Inclusive Education

Anti-Oppressive Education

 

Three men, one woman

The English Patient Michael Ondaatje

I enjoyed this novel for two reasons. The first draw was the setting. Italy, Northern Africa after World War 2. Michael Ondaatje winds his story through a historical context. History is complex, difficult and amazing. I never grow tired of the myriad of interpretations and perceptions of history. While this is a work of fiction, the events and settings, the emotions and the consequences of war, come alive in this story. The second reason I loved this story is that Michael Ondaatje has the incredible ability to weave a spell over me with his descriptions, explanations and dialogue. One of my favourite lines describes Hana reminiscing about her home in Toronto. “What she misses here is slow twilight, the sound of familiar trees” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 49). This passage evoked such emotion in me. Ondaatje captured how I felt when I was living overseas and longed to be in my childhood room, with an open window, listening to the sounds of the summer traffic. Michael Ondaatje made the characters’ stories true and strong through his descriptions and although I wasn’t completely captivated by them, they did evoke sympathy and compassion.

Some of my favourite passages/descriptions include:

1. “She had grown older. And he loved her more now than he loved her when he had understood her better, when she was the product of her parents. When she was now what she herself decided to become” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 222).

2. “I believe this. When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant, who imagines or remembers a meeting when the other had passed by innocently” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 259).

3. ” She wished for that. Her inwardness was a sadness of nature. He himself would allow her to enter any of his thirteen gates of character, but she knew that if he were in danger he would never turn to face her” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 272).

4. “When someone speaks he looks at a mouth, not eyes and their colours, which, it seems to him, will always alter depending on the light of a room, the minute of the day. Mouths reveal insecurity or smugness or any other point on the spectrum of faces. He’s never sure what an eye reveals. But he can read how mouths darken into callousness, suggest tenderness. One can often misjudge an eye from its reaction to a simple beam of sunlight” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 219).

5. “As they grow intimate the space between them during the day grows larger. She likes the distance he leaves her, the space he assumes is right” (Ondaatje, 1992, 9. 127).

6. “Her hand touched me at the wrist” (Ondaatje, 1992, 0. 145).

7. “When we are young we do not look into mirrors. It is when we are old, concerned with our name, our ledgend, what our lives will mean to the future” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 141).

8. “He has been disassembled by her.

And if she has brought him to this, what has he brought to her?” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 155).

9. “All that is alive is the knowledge of future desire and want. What he would say he cannot say to this woman whose openness is like a wound, whose youth is not mortal yet. He cannot alter what he loves most in her, her lack of compromise, where the romance of the poems she loves still sits with ease in the real world. Outside these qualities he knows there is no order in the world” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 157).

10. “From this point on in our lives she had whispered to him earlier, we will either find or lose our souls” (Ondaatje,1992, p. 158).

11. “Some people you just had to embrace, in some way or another, had to bite into the muscle, to remain sane in their company. You need to grab their hair and clutch it like a drowner so they would pull you into their midst. Otherwise, they walking casually down the street towards you, almost about to wave, would leap over a wall and be gone for months” (Ondaatje, 1992, p, 48).

12. “Those who weep lose more energy than they lose during any other act” (Ondaatje, 1992, p. 44).

I could go on. You should just read it.